A little history first...

All my life, I've known who Jesus is. I grew up in church, between Baptist and Pentecostal denominations. I remember as a young boy, being eager to get on the church bus so I could get some candy and then sing fun songs such as "Father Abraham". I also remember one of my Sunday School teachers telling us about Hell and those who weren't saved would go there and never be with God ever again after we died. Frankly, that message scared the hell outta me as a little boy. I went up for prayer simply because I didn't want to go to Hell, not because I wanted to live for Jesus.

I was saved officially when I was 16 years old in the spring of 1990. The youth pastor decided to talk to me 1-on-1 about the Holy Spirit and it occurred to me that even though I said a prayer as a boy to avoid going to Hell, I wasn't living my teen years as a Christian. I was having sex with my girlfriend on a regular basis, I was listening to (frankly, some of the best music ever...creatively speaking) secular music with sexually graphic lyrics, I was clubbing on a regular basis...Jesus was the furthest from my mind. The only reason I still went to church was because I thought it was the thing to do on Sunday and Wednesday. I wanted this Comforter he told me about in my life. I was hungry for God. I said another prayer that Wednesday night, this time I was giving my whole life to Christ. Hell was the furthest from my mind. Jesus was revealing Himself to me like never before. True Love opened His arms and embraced me.

Almost instantly, I felt the need to do something with my new understanding of what salvation was all about. All I knew how to do was perform, so I wrote songs and raps about Christ. Were they any good? Heck no. They were awful, but it was all I knew and they were written from my heart about what God was doing in my life. I just wanted people to know Christ as I have come to know Him.

In 1992, I met some guys performing at a skating rink where an event was going on sponsored by our local Christian radio station who just happened to also book me to perform. We got to talking after the show and instantly became friends. They asked me to join their group and immediately we started writing new material. We were a combination of new jack swing and hip hop, performing off of instrumentals from cassette singles. Eventually we rented studio time and recorded our own music to perform on so we could take our creativity to a more real level instead of ripping off secular instrumentals. We performed at churches and outdoor events in Southern California and got to meet some people who would go on to do much bigger things, namely a guy who called himself MC Colorblind who eventually formed the hardcore rap band, EDL. (You should check them out if you get the chance. Amazing stuff.)

Focus, Chris...

In 1993, I felt God calling me to go to ministry training school in Tulsa, OK. My church was good to me and gave me a nice offering to get out there and get established. While I was there I learned a lot about theology, hermeneutics, relating to people, and basically how to be a pastor. I wanted to be in youth ministry and when I graduated in 1995, I went back to my church in California to be a leader in the youth group.

From 1995 til sometime around 1998, I was heavily involved in the ministry, from graphic design to leading worship to camp counselor, I even preached a few times. I wrote a worship song and included it in our worship times occasionally.

Then at some point, my desire for ministry faded fast. I guess I was mentally exhausted. I took a break to focus on my new marriage to Crystal and to regroup, collect myself, and eventually return to ministry. Then the youth pastor (and very close friend) moved away. The new guy who came in, was nice and we hit it off ok, but I never really got back involved like I used to be. No matter how hard I tried, it was almost like something was holding me back. From 1999 to 2004, I just could not return to the status I used to have. Not status as in "hey look at what I am doing for the Lord", but just the level of being a servant. I desired it again, but still could not commit for some reason. Because of that, the desire faded again.

From 2004 until today, I have lived here in Kansas. I have slowly become involved in my church doing various activities from youth group to website to worship, but still nothing seemed like I could dive in like things were back in 1995 - 1998.

Now on to the purpose of this post. That desire I had before is coming back. But it's a little different. Today at church it hit me. I have had a call on my life to do pastoral ministry since I was 16 and I have only dabbled a bit in it off and on. At some point, I got very distracted and focused on other areas and totally forgot about the call. I need to get back on track and pursue this or I am disobeying God.

So here I am. Unpracticed, nervous, awkward, unfocused, and frankly unqualified to be a pastor. I am going to need some time to get back in shape, spiritually. I will be calling my pastor this week to see if perhaps he can take me alongside him to help me get back on track. What kind of pastor, I am still unsure of. The whole idea scares me. But I can't deny what is in my heart.

I am opening myself up, asking God to revolutionize my heart and prepare me for ministry again. There is a LOT of cleaning in me that needs to be done. I have sin I need to rid my life of, I have cobwebs to remove from my prayer closet, I have to do some inner cleansing. I am excited about this.

 - Chris

Cool stuff dude.

Become a lover of Jesus.

you can preach behind the decks, ask scott blackwell, he's been doing it for YEARS (to me it's preaching) i have some kind of calling on my life just dont know what it is, so i'm glad you can hear God on this one...

yea, i see what you mean. it's tough trying to follow what God wants, especially when you feel like He's saying something you really dont wanna do. glad to see that you're in tune with His will, just figure out how he wants you to pursue it. from what i've heard raama (or however you spell it, you said tulsa so i assume that's where you went) is a good place to learn. the one thing that you cant beat though is good old fashion life experience. like, take for instance our pastor back home. i dont know if he has ANY theological degrees or bible college or whatever, heck, he preaches in some ratty jeans and clothes he got from goodwill (seriously, he's just a young guy, maybe mid 30s). and he talks like a real person, like talks to God in prayer like he's talking to you or me, just such a powerful minister to me. just an everyday guy God uses, no fancy pastor talk, no $500 suit, just God and a man.
just be what God wants  you to be, just try to focus on His will, not your own.
i will be up there to see you sometime my brotha, just give me like 5 months...
Josh

so how are you going to do that?

so you feel that throwing christian events is where you need to be?

i ask questions because you need to refine the calling. its like saying im a missionary... well. what is the focus, who is the target, what is the avenue...

i ask because you need to be asked.

I understand where Alex is coming from Trailer. He's trying to sharpen you. You know, so you will gain a better perspective on what it is you need to focus on. Then again, I am still trying to figure this all out after all these years.