with a lot of things.
being away from home sux mega ping pong balls, and i'm still struggling with lust, as always with me.
and dont even get me started on finances, we've been fighting with that ever since we said "i do" it's been a little over a year, by a little i mean our anniversary was last week and i was stuck here not able to do anything.
been friendless for a long time, dont have anyone other than my wife that i even talk to about anything much less spend any time with.
man i sound whiney, but i know i need to make a change in my life.
we started going to a church and that was cool, i got things on track for like a couple weeks, then we started fighting bad and that big "d" word came out of my mouth more than once, at one point i even felt unattracted to my wife and didnt love her anymore.
in fact i pretty much felt that way even when i left back on june 1 to come here for school.
i'm a womanizer who's married, a dj who can't get it right b/c i dont focus on God.
i actually played out once before i left, like the week before a church group had a picnic and i played some tunes, had a good time, from what my wife says it's the happiest she's ever seen me.
but i've lost all that, again.
i was supposed to play for them again on a sunday at their graduation (it's a school of sorts, they're a breakdance/hiphop ministry team with no dj, i was probably gonna be doing that some, but i dont know anymore). i didnt play that day b/c me and the wife were fighting again and i was so mad at God and the world that i just couldnt do it, regret that now.
i smoke like a chimney, and it's starting to affect me physically, but i dont even care about that at this point.
i have to keep up an excercise program while i'm here and i cant even run a lap around the track i'm so out of shape, i end up walking the whole thing.
i dont know, i just have a lot of demons in my life that dont want to seem to go away.
i can say things and try to help others, but when it comes to my own life i cant get any of it right.
im actually glad i'm away from home right now so that i can focus on me, but that makes the whole lust and porn problem i have that much worse since i have internet here and dont have it at home.
yes i ramble i know, i just have so many thoughts and they spread out in my head and arent sequential.
oh, back to finances.
my car, has been like broke for months, i havent driven it since april that's the reason i flew to school, and i want it fixed before i go to texas next month, but even that may not happen b/c once again, money.
i dunno, i just need someone to talk to and vent to i guess.
and for some reason my wife just isn't the person, b/c everytime we talk about things like that i yell and scream and cuss at her (i cant cuss here, so this is actually a very pg post for me, i have a problem with that too).
i dunno what i need, just someone to listen i guess.
it's weird how i can have input on other people's issues but can't fix my own.
codependancy is something i've struggled with in the past, used other people's problems to outweigh my own, justified it somehow.
i've gotten better with that, but i know it's still there.
dont know what else to say, so i'll just say that i'm bored in biloxi ms., i'm 28, and i'm Josh....

hey josh. i just prayed for you.

i have been married for almost a year now, and my wife and i experienced some HUGE obstacles about 6 months into our marriage. the one thing that i learned the most, is that God's heart and desire for our lives is love, and reconciliation. no matter how deep those wounds may be... it is fixable if BOTH of you are on-board with fixing it. God has a desire for people to love one another, and to heal wounds.

Always keep in mind, that satan wants to rip your marriage apart, don't let him succeed.

Man, I don't know what to say exactly, but Crystal and I have been married for almost 10 years. (3 more months!) The first few years are rough because you are forcing two separate lives to act as one. Everything is tested. Everything you said about your wife and your marriage, I have thought in my head. Fact is, we still have many of the same issues we had 10 years ago, but we have learned how to deal with it because we love each other. Love really is a VERB. It is NOT an emotion. You have to choose to take the action of loving your wife through all the bull or it will not work.

Did you two go through marriage counseling before your wedding? I suggest you do it again because there are some things you both skimmed over. If you both were on a ship in the ocean and you hit a rock that caused a small hole, what would you do? You could argue over who's responsibility it is to plug the hole while the ship is going down. OR you could both choose to take whatever action is needed to keep your ship afloat.

Regarding the other stuff, that's all it is. Other stuff. You have to deal with it. But don't try to wrestle it all at the same time. Look at the priorities and take care of them first.

Finally, you both need a hobby away from each other. If DJ'ing is yours, do it. It makes you happy and it is therapeutic. I say this because if all you are doing is spending time together nitpicking and getting on each others nerves while you try to keep that ship up and deal with "stuff", you both are gonna hate each other and be miserable. Don't let the hobby dominate your time, however. There is a fine balance that you need to find for your marriage.

I hope my advice is helpful. These are things I am telling myself as well, so I don't even have this all worked out yet. I just know some things having been in this for 9.8 years.

Chris you really have your head screwed on the right way bro, you're an awesome man of God, totally agree with you're advice x1000!!!!