women and self image - prayer and help needed
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keith
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« on: May 15, 2008, 09:45:53 PM »
the wife and I are working through some really tough issues right now (A LOT of issues).

one of these many problems that we are seeking help and restoration on is self image. i know that a ton of women out there suffer from hating how their body looks, and this is something that i am praying for my wife for healing.

even though my wife is a Christian, she has issues with body image. she has had this problem her whole life. no matter how healthy or skinny she may get from healthy eating and exercise, she will always be self conscious about her looks. 

it really is hard for me to understand, because I am a man. in my mind, although im not always happy about the condition of my body/health, i always have full peace and acceptance that this body is a creation of God, and is totally amazing just as it is, because God made it that way. no matter how i try and it explain it or talk to her about it, i really can't change the way she feels.

how do we combat this problem? what resources/books are out there on the subject that you guys would recommend? is the sort of thing you deal with in counseling? or some other way?

also, i would like to hear some advice from the ladies here.... what can i do as a husband, to help fight this issue?
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« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2008, 10:08:00 PM »
Hey Keith I highly recommend a ministry that has some great resources, counseling and seminars. Check out http://www.newlife.com and there are some good counseling tips & answers to questions at http://www.cloudtownsend.com

I will be praying for you.
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thepudd
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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2008, 12:17:02 AM »
Still praying for you guys mate.
More than anything, I believe she needs a revelation of God's love and acceptance for her. So I think all of the above can lead to that... counseling is a good option. Does your church or any local church get into inner healing? That can be a really great tool to set her free from bondages.

My wife really enjoyed the book Captivating, though I'm not sure if or how it applies, as I didn't read it yet.
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Carey
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2008, 10:19:50 AM »
praying
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2008, 03:33:38 PM »
This is such a sensitive area, I'm glad you are asking for prayer on their behalf. Praying.
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« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2008, 04:36:55 PM »
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LJ Troll
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« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2008, 10:45:47 PM »
I was DYING to respond to this but I had to get to work.

Anyways, women and self-image issues. Hmmm. Let me start out by saying you know how every guy has the same problem? (we all know what it is) Well, consider this every girls' problem. Sad fact is a girl could look like a super model, and probably still feel "ugly"

One thing that enforces this belief so much is hollywood. The stars in movies, and on TV, and what "Cosmopolitan" magazine and MTV deem as "hot girls". Let's face it. America's standards of "hot" are extremely unrealistic. But we are constantly bombarded with it. You need the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect makeup, this, that, and the other surgery to make yourself "look your best" ...........how the heck is it "your best" when it's plastic?!?! Cheesy

Here's something you, as men, can do.

1) Don't talk about "hot chicks" in front of other girls. Weather they be just a friend, or even a relative, or whatever. It's not polite. Even if you're all like "oh, it doesn't matter cause she doesn't like me or anything like that" Doesn't matter. It gets to us no matter who says it. And please, DON'T use the excuse "it's just the man thing to do, to sit around and talk about chicks" No. It's not. It's the teenaged BOY thing to do. If you really are a MAN these conversation pieces should be WAY below your level.

Don't watch a movie with a girl, and say "whoa that chick's hot"  smiley18

2) BRING BACK CHIVALRY! I seriously mean this. Little things like opening doors for girls, holding their chair out for them to be seated, they make girls feel special. And no that's NOT only done for couples. We don't automatically think you got something for us if you're polite. (well, maybe some girls do, but that's their own issue to deal with) Our culture has long lost the simple things that made women feel appreciated.

3) NEVER! EVER! tell a girl "you're just like one of the guys" Cheesy For reasons you'll never understand, this makes a girl feel hella unattractive. Seriously.
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« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2008, 03:12:47 PM »
I understand, Troll that some of what you say is part of the issue but one of my best friends deals with the self image thing and isn't interested in popculture in the least.  She's very far removed from the "Hollywood" and still deals with the image issue.  She's incredibly beautiful(I tell her that everyday), smart (will have her PHD by the age of 30), very self sufficient female.  But she'll flat out deny it and say I'm just saying that cuz i'm her friend, even when people she doesn't know tell her the very same things.  She lives in constant denial of her value, but I know her background and where she comes from in that respect so i know the sensitive issues which helps a bit.  But she's so concerned about being "right" about her self image that she'll look for things in what people say to confirm her own suspicions about herself instead of listening to the truth, even when its confirmed by hundreds of people. 
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LJ Troll
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« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2008, 09:40:40 PM »
Yep. We do that. We find the one person who says there's something wrong with us rather than the 100 people who say we look good. It's just some sort of deficency we have.

Also, alot of what happens in our childhood affects us all throughout life. Let's say a girl was kinda raggidy and chubby in grade school and got teased for it. That woman could lose all the weight in the world, and be an absolutly stunning person.....she will NEVER see it. A jacked up childhood will 9 times out of 10 result in alot of other jacked up issues in our adulthood.
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keith
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« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2008, 04:32:36 PM »
Quote from: LJ Troll on May 18, 2008, 09:40:40 PM

Also, alot of what happens in our childhood affects us all throughout life. Let's say a girl was kinda raggidy and chubby in grade school and got teased for it. That woman could lose all the weight in the world, and be an absolutly stunning person.....she will NEVER see it. A jacked up childhood will 9 times out of 10 result in alot of other jacked up issues in our adulthood.

definitely true. in our situation, a really jacked up childhood has led to these problems. i will pray for her and we will be starting up counseling together (for the other marital issues we are working on). this is something i would like to slowly address over time during counseling.
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« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2008, 03:27:37 AM »
i have no dout that these issues will come up in the counseling together. i have done a little training in counseling and also my father is a very experienced counseler. it alwasy helpfull to go to a christian counseler.

but my advice for you is that when this comes up. just be loving and acceptive. dont sit there with a smile on your face that you knew it would come up at some point. and dont push it. let it come out of a place of confidence.

you will be building confidence to share things better through the counseling. be ope n be truethfull and dont push. and dont just dump things on her. work together.

am praying.

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Fresnel
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« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2008, 07:46:33 AM »
I am honestly and seriously praying for her.

as the father of 4 girls, i will tell you... I do not go a day without telling them all that they are beautiful and smart. why ? because I want them to know it. I want them to never doubt it. because frankly... they are all both of those things.

with that being said, I have to address the 3 points mentioned above.

#1- never point out attractive women - sorry, so can not agree with you in any fashion. my wife and I LOVE to people watch. . .inevitably there will be someone intensely attractive that comes by, male... or female. it has gotten to the point where she will point out someone and say.... hey... theres a hottie for ya... I will laugh... and vice versa.

my point?recognize that there are beautiful people out there in the world. . . God made them. just as he made you.  it is not about outside influence. it is about your partner. the two of you joined as one, so act like it. realize that they CHOSE YOU, not that other person.

#2 Chivalry - great... I have no issue with treat others with respect. but don't expect it simply because of your gender. sorry, not buying that one. I open doors just as easily for men as I do women. I always tell all my girls, don't ever let anyone treat you differently because your ovaries didn't drop... even if they are treating you nicer.... because often, it is a signal of feelings of superiority...

#3 "one of the guys" - I guess you cant just look at the above answers... seriously... tell me this... do you want to be treated differently in a work situation? how about when you are trying to get into a school? how about the ability to participate in your church? these were all things at one time that were kept from women. don't give that up for the superficial desire to feel "special" or "pretty". because EVERYONE is...


ok... off my soap box...Keith,  I DO pray that your wife is able to see that she truly is a wholly(and hopefully holy Smiley )beautiful creation of God. . . and in that, she need not look toward any other source for her true worth.

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« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2008, 09:42:20 AM »
Quote from: Fresnel on May 20, 2008, 07:46:33 AM
and in that, she need not look toward any other source for her true worth.

Amen brother.

But that can take some revelation, too. A change in her heart may be necessary, so the ministry/counselling is a great idea.
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LJ Troll
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« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2008, 02:32:35 PM »
Fresnel......you're rude.

I was explaining from a girl's point of view things that make us feel unattractive, so who are you, a male, to go and invalidate them?

Quote
I always tell all my girls, don't ever let anyone treat you differently because your ovaries didn't drop... even if they are treating you nicer.... because often, it is a signal of feelings of superiority...

That is dumb. So you don't want your girls to be treated as women? And if a guy is being nice, that's cause he feels superior? What are you on man?

Quote
#3 "one of the guys" - I guess you cant just look at the above answers... seriously... tell me this... do you want to be treated differently in a work situation? how about when you are trying to get into a school? how about the ability to participate in your church? these were all things at one time that were kept from women. don't give that up for the superficial desire to feel "special" or "pretty". because EVERYONE is...

You totally took my meaning out of context. What I meant by "one of the guys" is when they treat you as a guy in their little circle. They continue with the crude manners, and talk about chicks to you, and speak to you as though you're a guy. No girl wants to be associated with a group who thinks loud burping is amusing. Seriously, when you first date someone, do you act that way around them? I would hope not.

Quote
don't give that up for the superficial desire to feel "special" or "pretty". because EVERYONE is...


It is NOT superficial to desire to feel these things. Yes, everyone is in some way.But remember, girls are wired differently than guys. We DO need a bit more sensativity and, unfortunetly, reassurance. If that's "special treatment", well then so be it. [/color]
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Fresnel
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« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2008, 08:15:45 PM »
Quote from: LJ Troll on May 20, 2008, 02:32:35 PM
Fresnel......you're rude.

I was explaining from a girl's point of view things that make us feel unattractive, so who are you, a male, to go and invalidate them?

so, you are saying that me being male negates any opinion on the subject that I may have?

I was merely pointing out that you have bought into a societal more that leaves girls subservient and looking toward men for a sign of their worth.

Look at what Christ said to the woman at the well... moreover.. what he said without words.... his mere action of speaking to her was a shock and a slap at a society that treated women as cattle... he was saying to her, you are worth my time, you are special in my eyes, do not treat yourself the way you do, "go, and sin no more"

this is why I raise my daughters in the manner I do. because while each of them is stunningly beautiful, much like their mother (thank God they don't look like dad)... their true worth is from above. . . not the approval of some slimy little weasel that has one thing on his mind. 

respect of a female is not opening a door for her... respect, is treating her as a human being.

frankly i am shocked you would disagree, and call me names for it.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2008, 08:17:45 PM by Fresnel » Logged
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