had another emotional drop last night and today.  I don't know why I do this, be all good then one day be like "someone pee'd in my cornflakes" kinda day.  Nothing has to happen, well kinda last night I was trying to DJ and dad kept interrupting with help for his project next couples days. But need to do some DJing before the studio pc goes back down to the garage so I can work on this video project this week.  Guess I got mad cause this week every attempt got bashed.  But that explains last night, today i was just aweful, but by afternoon i was clearing up.  No one can't be a stick in the mud too long around my job, coworkers are bunch of nuts.

But I felt so disgusted, killing myself didn't sound that bad today.  Least i'll be in a better place.

From talking to a certain friend and knowing my cousin, a doctor would call me biopolar and give me drugs to take.  Definitely not the case, but feels like it recently.

Anyone ever felt like the joy had been robbed from you and what did bring you joy you don't want to do?  Then without those things, just an influx of emotions since you couldn't take care of them through those activities.  It's driving me nuts.  A year ago, i was producing, and the thoughts of singleness, anger, and loneliness could be thrown out in my writing.  This year couldn't do that.

hopefully 2008, I can enter back into production full own and DJing as well since I've been working on that.

man I would of called that night, but it was really late.  But keep it on hand if I ever need someone to talk to.  I was talking to kairsie and neesh on MSN/skype and were able to give me peace of mind.

Since then I've been determined to not get this bad again, unless its a death or something the like.  More like just keep mindful of my thought life and not let satan take my joy and deceive me like he has this year.  I know its still a tough road, but I've been good since.

I have a video project to do, got some DJ stuff to play with and got some ideas to try out in my studio and continue where I left off at the first of the year as far as new stuff.

Its been good, family been visiting this other church and the pastor is great.  I can sit and listen to him for awhile, really captures my attention and he knows the Bible.  Also been trying to read devotionals and working back to having a quiet time, but haven't got there yet.

2008, is gonna be in need of change, pray I don't let an opportunity pass and make right decisions.

an update here....

mom had been put on oxygen few months ago, but doing better and lost some weight and have been doing regular checkups to help.

Spiritually, starting to go uphill, though I'm nowhere I would like to be its better than it was when I wrote this.  I started going to a new church in December last year and joined the end of March.  Since then, got involved in two ministries, video and graphics.  Been learning a lot and making new friends along with the small group I'm in now.

Friend and Communications associate, has inspired me on the graphics end and musically to an extent.  Thank God recently I had been thinking of new stuff to work, just haven't done any of it yet.

Lust issue continues, but much less degree,

I mentioned about doing a seminar and money going to a new video camera and dad and I did another and shortly after bought us a good video camera and yesterday, went out and filmed some scenery.  I'll post some pics later.

Also I've came to the realization that audio/video probably isn't the career path I need to take at this moment especially where I live.  With that, has helped me decide to further my IT knowledge since I do have a degree in it and dad is helping me with that.

So still searching for a better job and slowly learning new things about my Christian walk everyday.  Course being an impatient person, wish these changes to happen faster since my life at this point feels dragging, I know it needs to happen in God's time.  Thanks for the prayers.

sent ya a PM.