Carl, I would not be as strong as you have been in your situation. The fact that you're fighting the good fight is a real witness to me because my life is pretty freaking good and I back-slide all the time. My wife got really sick over Thanksgiving and had to go into the hospital. I told her if she died I would go running mad in the woods for 7 years like Nebuchadnezzar.

When my wife lost her father and mother, she said that all she could pray was the Lord's Prayer but when she did, it gave her comfort. I think sometimes it works to say God's words even if they don't reflect our feelings to sort of create a different reality and bring his kingdom into our minds even when everything is falling apart.

My sister has schizophrenia and has gotten into very scary situations before. I found it empowering to think of the pain my family has gone through as a barrage of missiles Satan has flung at us kind of like he did to try to pick off Job in the Bible. Saying God is good in that context is an act of rebelliousness against "reality" and the way we're "supposed" to react by being scared and devastated. It's like a chess game with the devil in which our single victorious move is to abdicate the king and resign the game in the first move. He can take our queen, rooks, knights, bishops, pawns, etc. but the cross makes checkmate into eternal life. There's something inherently rebellious and defiant towards "reality" about our faith. Paul says to claim that the cross is victory is foolishness to people who only know the world minus Christ but that foolishness is the greatest power that we can hold onto. He says he resolved to know only Christ crucified when everything else failed. Somehow by clinging to that, we become capable of acting against the grain, the default or even "appropriate" response to devastation. God's kingdom comes into our reality and vanquishes the reality that hurts us the more we say "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done."

Anyway, I hope I haven't just spouted a bunch of incoherent nonsense that doesn't help. Sometimes I can read God's word and a word or phrase hits me in a way that blows my mind. Psalm 126 completely blows my mind. I don't know if it will help to read it, pray it, or sing it. I went to it when my sister went into the hospital the most recent time. Here it is.

"When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev [desert]. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

You will be a man who dreams again. Asking God for joy is like asking him to make a stream in a desert where it hasn't rained for several hundred years. But what you sow in your tears God will use to bear fruit that you will reap with songs of joy. Your struggle will be a witness of God's kingdom coming forth with power that will inspire many people to cling to the cross. God's peace and comfort, Mr. G